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Friday, July 30th, 2004
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6:23 pm
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pssst.... i have a new lj username..it's femme_rapier i added my friends from this name onto my new journal so add me, bitches!
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Comments: 1 Buried kitty - Kill a kitten?.
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| Saturday, January 31st, 2004
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4:39 pm - ::.Nothing.Lasts.Forever.::
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Pathetic Losers Club meeting is tonight... too bad Leah isn't at her house and she's severely lacking in the cell phone department... it's not until 8 30 though, so I guess I shouldn't worry about it, I kinda wanted to hang out before that though. Hm, I have drama stuff that I should be working on, so I guess that means I'm off. Much love....
current mood:  hungry
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Comments: 1 Buried kitty - Kill a kitten?.
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| Monday, January 26th, 2004
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8:04 pm
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So...I'm supposed to be working on this really big english project that was due earlier today but I'm taking an internet/dinner break. heh. I'm never going to finish this :\
Latest news on Morgan... 4 very big drug lords are looking for her and Bryan and trying to kill them. She's still alive as of this moment...Not coming home any time soon either...
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Comments: 2 Buried kittys - Kill a kitten?.
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| Sunday, January 25th, 2004
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11:46 am
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So Morgan's ran away again And you know what? She didn't even tell me this time, she didn't even call and tell me she had left. I don't think she ever will, but if she does I have to tell her that she can't do this anymore. This is the third time this year that she's run, both times either her or her boyfriend ended up in a mental institution, and every time she pulls this I have to be there, convincing her to go home, talking to her parents, listening to her tell me all the freakin drugs she's done since she left and fucking christ I can't put up with it anymore. This has been going on for almost a year now and I can't care anymore. i want to so bad. I loved her with all my heart, and would have literally given up my life for her (which I really came close to literally sacrificing my life on her own accord in some very nasty situations she's gotten herself into). I don't have any more care in me. I don't have enough juice left to deal with this again. If she calls me, then I'm going to tell her straight the fuck up... That if she wants to run away with Bryan then it's her decision but she's running away from me too. As long as she's gone from home, she can consider me a part of her past, along with her family and everyone else she's leaving. I'll always be here for her to come back to, I'm not shunning her from my life completely, but if she decides to come back to the life that she is so obviously ready to leave here, then she's leaving me here too because I'm not even going to try and chase her again. I can't let myself care any more, despite everything inside me that wants to. The only person that will have any influence on her at all is Bryan, and he's the poison in her that's telling her to put everything on the line for him and to help him sell drugs. All he has to do is tell her he loves her. That's all it takes for her to fall.
My god, I want her back so much. But I can't. I won't let myself chase her any more because it's only going to bring more heartbreak. I'm not quite sure how I'm supposed to get up in the mornings and remember that she's gone and how much I can't go get her... And remember how much she doesn't care about me any more... I don't know life without her, even though when she was here all she did was make me suffer. I think I'm about to self-combust. God someone please help me get through this all....
current mood: torn into two bloody pieces
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Comments: Kill a kitten?.
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| Saturday, January 24th, 2004
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7:47 am
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Weirdest dream in the whole world last night. o.o I'm feeling kind of sick today. I slept really well last night, though. ugh, I hope I feel better soon.
current mood:  sick
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Comments: Kill a kitten?.
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| Monday, January 19th, 2004
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10:42 am - ::.Scarling.Darling.::
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New Scarling. pictures! Btw, their album Sweet Heart Dealer will be out in February (most likely Valentine's day)
I like this one... Jessicka is lovely..
The band..
Jessicka...
current mood:  dirty
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Comments: Kill a kitten?.
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| Saturday, January 17th, 2004
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10:37 am - ::.Creative.Writing.101.::
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There are endless seas of purples and azure blues that seem to surpass the glowing horizon, where a sun sets in a violent shade of violet. The sand is a shade of black charcoal that sets in waves to match the shore, where the water breaks with a crash, and washes over the ebony sand. Today the sky is a rich gold washed with watercolor white brushes of clouds. The water that's caught in the gentle breeze floats in the air, and makes little purple ashes suspend over everything. There are flocks of crystal seagulls that resemble white doves, who have just been set free. The fish can be seen just below the sheer colors of salt water in schools, and look like sheets of swimming color. I want to sit in the rich black sand with my feet in the shoreline and watch the clouds float free upon the golden skies.
(Note: I started taking Creative Writing this semester, and will begin to record some of the stuff I do in there in my LJ for future reference, because I lose everything. This one was just a quick journal entry that I liked, the prompt was "The clouds float free upon the skies" and that's what I came up with...)
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Comments: Kill a kitten?.
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| Friday, December 26th, 2003
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2:10 pm
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It's obvious I no longer have any privacy in my house anymore. (thanks to a certain father figure who can't mind his own god damn business and has to descend so low as to read my fucking web log along with everything that's in my trash, internet history, mail, and AIM instant messages) this will now become a friend's only journal. Comment if you'd like to continue reading this and you're not on my friend's list.
current mood:  pissed off
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Comments: 4 Buried kittys - Kill a kitten?.
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10:58 am - So true..
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| Thursday, December 25th, 2003
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2:40 pm
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Merry Christmas n shit guys! Ugh, I need a shower...I made a couple of new user pics today.
current mood: dirty
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Comments: 2 Buried kittys - Kill a kitten?.
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| Sunday, December 21st, 2003
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10:45 am
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I thought about writing an entry....but then realized no one reads this anyway. I don't think I'll write anymore in here, I'll just keep my friends' page for when I get bored, so ciao every one, have a good holiday.
current mood:  pessimistic
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Comments: 4 Buried kittys - Kill a kitten?.
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| Saturday, December 13th, 2003
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9:46 am - ::.Come.To.The.Cabaret.::
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This is the start of a very bad day. I knew this day was going to be a fucked up day because today I HAVE to finish my drama final, I'm not giving myself a choice.
But anyway. I wake up this morning and my room & bathroom are a WRECK. I go downstairs in hopes of making a huge cup of coffee with hazelnut coffeemate, but we have no coffeemate left. So I start looking for some bagels and some cream cheese, no cream cheese. Then I decide I can just have some cerial..and there's no milk. I hate that. There's nothing to eat in my house at all. So I walk up to the corner store and it's bitterly cold outside and I get a coffee, a green tea, and chocolate vanilla zingers for breakfast, and walk back. And now I'm here. I lost my stud to my cartilage piercing, and the hoop I have won't close. I have all this ridiculous crap I have to do today.... blah
current mood: cold and sleepy and busy
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Comments: Kill a kitten?.
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| Friday, December 12th, 2003
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7:35 am - ::.And.She.Says.She.Loves.Me.::
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And, slowly, I am dying.
current mood:  contemplative
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Comments: Kill a kitten?.
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| Wednesday, December 10th, 2003
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8:24 am
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Excuse the double updates within such a brief time of each other, but I felt I should share this with you all...
The girl in my user pic is none other than Ms. Judy Garland's daughter. Dun Dun DUUNN!
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Comments: 1 Buried kitty - Kill a kitten?.
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6:57 am - ::.There's.Simply.No.Way.::
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I'm terribly sorry. I was absent that day.
current mood: hungry
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Comments: Kill a kitten?.
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| Monday, December 8th, 2003
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8:23 am - ::.From.The.Minute.You.Walked.In.The.Joint.::
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Think of how peaceful everything would be and how much more enjoyable everyday life would turn out if people just did what they said they were going to do. Or, rather, if people didn't tell you something they never intended on doing in the first place.
current mood:  crappy
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Comments: Kill a kitten?.
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| Saturday, December 6th, 2003
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9:27 am - ::.English.Summer.Rain.::
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I have so much shit to do, it makes me want to vomit just thinking about it. Life is too frantic. I guess that's what I deserve for caring.
People are really inconsiderate when it comes to the consequences that lay on every one around them for their own decisions. It's selfish, really. But someone once told me that there's no such thing as a selfless act, as every good deed you do benefits you in some way or other, so I suppose it's inevitable; nevertheless it makes me feel sick inside. Especially the fact that no matter what I do, in the end I'll always be as selfish and petty as the next person, just because I'm human and that's what humans do. But, as it is with everything, some are better than others, at least I'm better about it than a good majority of the people I know.
Lately I've been having these insane dreams about Leah. Come to think of it, Leah's been having some insane dreams about Leah.... There's one that's re-occuring though, and it's eery in the sense that I think Leah's about to get karma-raped.
The dream always starts out with Leah, myself, and some random third person walking down this street in my old neighborhood, in Sunrise. I was always terrified of that street because that's where dead bodies of teenagers were found. 2 or 3 were found when I lived there, all beaten to death by a group of rebellious 17-20 year olds who went to the dead end on that street to drink and shoot up drugs. My friends and I would go down there on dares and bring back syringes and bits of clothing to prove we completed the dare. But never after 5 o'clock, because that's when they would start to come out. Anyway, we're walking down this same street and it's daylight, so it was still okay to be down there. But then the sun started to go down really quickly, and the streetlights came on. And I began to panic because I was scared that we were there so late. But Leah and I both had to pee like dirty racehorses, and so we decided to find a place to pop a squat before going home. Then there's this building with dim, fluorescent lights glowing through the door and windows. So we decide to walk in and hopefully find a bathroom. So we go in through the propped-open door, and it's a small building all lined with rows and rows of bathroom stalls. So Leah goes one way and I go the other. I open the first stall, and there's a 3-dimentional outfit, suspended in the air by nylon cords. The clothes looked like someone was in them, as if whoever was wearing them was invisible and suspended by these nylon chords. It was a white flannel blouse with a lace collar, a navy pleated skirt, little ruffly stockings, and shiny little shoes. Whoever was supposed to be wearing them was probably only about 6 or 7 years old. So I took no notice of it, and went to the next stall. In this stall was a little girl, about 11 or 12, wearing the same outfit I saw in the first stall. She's hanging over the toilet, blood and vomit on her mouth and chin. She's pale, no color on her lips, but really dark, black eyelids/lashes and jet black hair down to her shoulders, and bangs. She was no doubt bulemic and puking into the toilet before she died. So, again I took no real notice or warning from it, and went to the next stall, which was empty. I go in and start to close the stall because I'm about to burst at the time. Then the door is pushed open, and the dead girl I saw in the previous stall lunges at me, I push her out of the way and run out of the stall. There are little girls, all pale and ghostly looking everywhere. Most of them are gathered in one spot by the door, hovering over something. when I get closer, I realize what they're all looking at. All of them had blood on their hands and faces, their hair is tousled, and they're all looking at the bloody mess in the center. I see a bloody, torn up (from what looked like fingernails) face, which belonged to Leah. The little girls had literally torn her apart with their finger nails. Her hand was laying to the side, detached from her arm. I look up and there are 2 or 3 other girls my age, in normal clothing, and I realize I know them from my elementary school and they've grown older, and I tell them that I was getting the hell out of there and if they would like to come with me, really casually even though I was traumatized by what the little girls did to Leah. They said sure and we walk quickly out of the still-open door, and the little girls run after us. So we start to sprint out, and we look behind us once out of the building, and the little girls dissapparated as soon as they stepped out of the doorway. We realize they can't leave the building but we're still running anyway. Then everything goes dark, and the setting of the dream changes completely. I don't know how I know but it was a week after Leah's death. And the two or three other girls I escaped with are with me. We're in a classroom which resembles this little attic space I have in my closet. The walls are lined with shelves and shelves of books, charts, graphs, things that looked like they were used to teach philosophy or something along those lines. In one of the shelves there's this...thing. It was all gold, it was a bunch of thin, delicate looking rods of gold going up to different heights, the tallest one being about 8 or 9 inches up. On the end of each of these rods, is what looks like a gyroscope (which is a group of rings that spin in different directions at different speeds and look like spheres when they spin fast) and in each gyroscope is a tiny, realistic, 3-D image of a planet. Some were blue and red, orange, deep purple, white... Anyway, there was this really monotonous old man, who I think was supposed to be the teacher of this "class" who was trying to explain how to read this device. So we each took turns kneeling down before it, trying to "read" it. When it was my turn, I looked at it and knew it was trying to convey a message to me from or about Leah. But no matter how I looked at it, I couldn't read what it was saying. All the little gyroscope-like things started to spin frantically, too fast for me to see each individual ring. And the teacher was scolding and threatening to fail me and calling me an imbesile and how it wasn't hard to read it, that it was so simple. So I began to panic and took my mind to lengths I didn't even know I could reach, I could feel every brain cell striving to read this fucking machine, desperate to figure out what it was about Leah she was trying to tell me. And I still couldn't do it. My head felt like it had a freaking boulder sitting ontop of it while I was under 2000 ft of water, my head fucking HURT, it was unbearable in this dream. And all of a sudden I'm staring at my own face, as if some part of me jumped out and turned to look me in my own eyes. My face is so pale and I look like I'm trying to focus so intently, my eyes are open wide with dark black eyes/lashes/lids, my lips are pale, and my hair is black, shoulder-length, like the girls in the building. I see a line of blackberry-red blood trickle down out of my nose, on to my lip. But it drips down REALLY fast, and collects in the crevice between my lips within just a second. But my face itself and everything/everyone in that room was frozen, and the only thing that wasn't stuck in time was the blood that dripped, which happened SO fast as if that part was on a whole different time scale that went 10x faster than normal, and everything else just froze. My head wasthrobbing with pain at this point, and then i woke up. I woke up with the biggest migraine I've ever had. It hurt to the point when I got dizzy when i opened my eyes.
I told this same thing to Leah and she got scared and told me about the dreams she had about herself :\ sorry so long...
current mood: bored
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Comments: Kill a kitten?.
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| Friday, December 5th, 2003
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4:46 pm - ::.Burp.::
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Hell yeah, it's Friday... I fuckin' love Fridays. There's a party tonight at this girl Di's house that starts at 9ish... So we're gonna see what's crackin there tonight.
I got into this argument with this guy Ray about how Christianity's the biggest cult I've ever heard of... to which he replied that it's based off of Judaism, the oldest religion. And I told him that he was full of shit because Paganism was the oldest official religion. And he was like "Now THAT'S a cult." And so, in stead of doing my History project, I argued the bastard into the ground and the argument endned with him being speechless and trying to come up with "Yeah, well..." remarks. Ha, I won.
Gonna go get some more pizza now..
current mood:  anxious
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Comments: Kill a kitten?.
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| Tuesday, December 2nd, 2003
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8:03 am - ::.Getting.High.On.Information.::
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It's a Rainbow Moonstone Cabochon Poison Ring (it opens up and has a small compartment under the moonstone, you can kinda see the latch and hinge where it opens)
I want this for christmas... this is possibly the sexiest ring I've ever seen in my whole life. I e-mailed my dad the URL at work...Just so he knows...
current mood:  calm
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Comments: Kill a kitten?.
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| Thursday, November 27th, 2003
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2:02 pm
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happy thanksgiving, everyone! Sadly, i have to spend all day with my parents. We always end up arguing on these family-oriented holidays.... Maybe things will go down alright tonight though. I made a cherry cheesecake, how cool is that? ha...
does anyone like my new user pic? I decided Cabaret is my favorite broadway musical. I watched the 1966 performance when it first debuted and it was pimp..
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Comments: Kill a kitten?.
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lilgurly's journal